Mon, 28 Dec 2009 00:45:10 GMT

purging. cutting. sleeping. bye.

Thu, 06 Aug 2009 04:41:26 GMT

I am not a people person. Fucking hate em. They always end up fucking up your emotions one way or another. People make you cry, depressed, lonely. People are persuasive. Invasive. Everybody's never happy all at the same time. There's always someone in the group who's feeling down and has an issue. And usually it's me. Whether I'm feeling self-conscious, or upset about boys, or because I'm a fatass bitch who can't say no. I'm the odd one out. I'm the jealous backstabbing bitch. I'm jealous of my fucking little sister. When I fall for someone, I fall hard. I put that boy on a fucking pedestal. And then I can't snap out of it. I obsess. I write stories in my head and set myself unrealisticly high standards that I can never acheive, then I fail, then I fall into a depression. I'm at the depression point. I want to cry but I'm too big for that, such high standards. I haven't really cried in a long time because I won't let myself. It's such a sign of weakness and I can't be weak anymore, that's ending. I'm going to be strong and thin. I need to prove to myself that I can do this. I sound like such a fucking poser, but people don't like me. Nobody likes me, who knows why. Who gives a shit. They think I'm a fat retard who's not good for shit. But you know what? I am not worthless because I can do whatever the hell I want whenever the hell I want. If I want to starve myself, I'm gonna starve myself. If I want to throw up, goddammit I'm gonna. I'm not taking anybody's shit anymore, I am so over it. Nobody can tell me what to do. It's my body, my life, my mind. So fuck off.

Wed, 01 Jul 2009 23:43:09 GMT

I AM -
[] anorexic
[x] binge eating
[x] bulimic (bulimic tendancies)
[] living off diet pills
[x] hungry
[] thirsty
[] drinking something
[] Under 100lbs
[x] starving yourself
[] participating in a fast
[] binging

PEOPLE -
[] ask if I’m bulimic
[] call me fat
[x] say I’m skinny
[] say I’m ugly
[x] say I’m pretty
[x] spread rumors about me
[] force me to eat
[x] say I eat too much
[] wish I’d eat more
[x] don't know I'm anorexic/bulimic

I WISH -
[x] I was THIN
[x] I had a better body
[x] I didn't have to eat
[x] I could control myself
[x] I was under 100lbs
[x] I could avoid food
[] I could hide what I am
[x] I wasn’t fat
[x] I was pretty
[] I could stop having an eating disorder

I LOVE -
[x] feeling hungry
[x] seeing a difference when fasting
[] shaking
[x] being weak
[x] losing weight
[] being anorexic/bulimic
[] green tea
[] diet pills
[x] being able to turn down food
[x] feeling good about myself

APPEARANCE
[x] I am shorter than 5'4.
[x] I think I'm ugly sometimes.
[x] I have many scars.
[x] I tan easily.
[] I wish my hair were a different color.
[] I have friends who have never seen my natural hair color.
[] I have a tattoo.
[x] I am self-conscious about my appearance.
[x] I have/had braces.
[x] I wear glasses.
[x] I would get plastic surgery if it were 100 safe, free of cost, and scar-free.
[x] I've been told I'm attractive by a complete stranger.
[] I have more than 2 piercings.
[] I have piercings in places besides my ears.
[x] I have freckles.

FAMILY
[x] I've sworn at my parents.
[] I've run away from home.
[] I've been kicked out of the house.
[] My biological parents are together.
[] I have a sibling less than one year old.
[] I want to have kids someday.
[] I've had children.
[] I've lost a child.

EMBARRASSMENT
[x] I've slipped out a "lol" in a spoken conversation.
[x] Disney movies still make me cry.
[x] I've peed from laughing.
[x] I've snorted while laughing.
[x] I've laughed so hard I've cried.
[x] I've glued my hand to something
[x] I've laughed till some kind of beverage came out of my nose.
[x] I've had my trousers rip in public.

RELATIONSHIPS
[x] I'm single
[] I'm in a relationship.
[] I'm engaged.
[] I'm married.
[] I've gone on a blind date.
[] I've been the dumpee more than the dumper.
[x] I miss someone right now.
[] I have a fear of abandonment.
[] I've cheated in a relationship.
[] I've gotten divorced
[x] I've had feelings for someone who didn't have them back.
[] I've told someone I loved them when I didn't.
[x] I've told someone I didn't love them when I did.
[x] I've kept something from a past relationship.

SEXUALITY
[] I've had a crush on someone of the same sex.
[] I've had a crush on a teacher.
[x] I am a cuddler.
[] I've been kissed in the rain.
[x] I've hugged a stranger.
[] I have kissed a stranger.

HONESTY
[x] I've done something I promised someone else I wouldn't
[x] I've done something I promised myself I wouldn't.
[x] I've snuck out of my house.
[x] I have lied to my parents about where I am.
[x] I am keeping a secret from the world
[x] I've cheated while playing a game.
[x] I've cheated on a test.
[] I've been suspended from school.

BAD TIMES
[] I've consumed alcohol.
[] I regularly drink.
[] I can't swallow pills.
[x] I can swallow about 5 pills at a time no problem
[] I have been diagnosed with clinical depression.
[x] I shut others out when I'm upset.
[] I take anti-depressants.
[x] I'm anorexic or bulimic or have EDNOS.
[x] I've slept an entire day when I didn't need it.
[x] I've hurt myself on purpose.
[] I'm addicted to self harm.
[x] I've woken up crying
[x] I've lost weight
[x] I've gained weight
[x] My weight holds me back
[x] Weight consumes me.
[] I'm at my thinnest
[x] I'm at my biggest
[] I've lost weight and kept it off
[x] I've lost weight but gained it back
[x] My weight affects my mood
[x] I weigh myself daily
[x] I am jealous of everyone smaller than me
[x] I thrive on compliments
[x] I feel bigger than people who are my size
[x] I feel happy when I'm hungry
[x] I get depressed after I eat
[x] I've skipped a meal
[x] I've thrown food away
[x] I've spit food out
[x] I've fasted
[] I've taken diet pills
[] I've used laxatives
[x] I've purged

HAVE/HAD
[x] Bulimia
[] Anorexia
[x] Ednos
[] Orthorexia
[x] Over-exercising
[x] Binge eating

[x] I exercise
[x] I exercise so I can eat
[] I work out secretly
[] I work out daily
[] I exercise to counteract eating
[x] I've fainted from exhaustion

I've done:
[] Weed
[] Cigarettes
[] Alcohol
[] Diet pills
[x] Pain killers
[] Anti-depressants
[] Ecstasy
[] LSD
[] Mushrooms
[] Speed
[] Cocaine
[] Other

[x] I keep my eating habits a secret
[x] I have a ED blog
[x] I look at thinspo
[x] I collect thinspo
[x] I condone pro-ana/mia sites

[x] I count calories
[x] I've had negative intake days
[x] I avoid food
[x] I hate food
[x] I love food
[] I want to be this way
[] I don't want to be like this
[x] I wish I could have more control
[x] Being thin is my top priority
[x] I don't want to get better
[] I am in treatment (outpatient/inpatient, willingly, or unwillingly)

[x] I'm doing this for me
[x] I'm doing this for someone
[x] I'm doing this to prove myself

lexx38